On a rough Mother's Day

It's been a little over two weeks since we lost our baby.

Time flies.


Yet, it stands still.


Mother's Day hit me like a ton of bricks.

See, we lost the baby and four days later went on a four day vacation to New York City.  I returned and spent a day baking for a work baby shower. Had the baby shower. Spent two days baking for another baby shower. Had the baby shower.

Sunday, Mother's Day, I woke up in a foul mood. I am 75% sure it was all the wheat and sugar I consumed over the last ten days. And 25% sure it was the grief finally hitting me.  The combination put me in a pissy mood that I could not shake.

I ached and ached on the night of the loss, and the morning after at the emergency room, but I quickly jumped back in the game of life and didn't take a moment to look back.

Mother's Day was a challenge.

I was overwhelmingly sad for all women who have lost a child, cannot conceive or who have had repeated miscarriages.

I was angry that I'd spent the last week celebrating two women who are about to have babies.  Not at them particularly, but at the situation -- jealous that they will have babies in their arms oh-so-soon.
(My mother graciously reminded me that the tables were turned in both cases but 18 months ago)

But at the heart of it all, it was really just taking the time to process our loss.  I am reminded by my spiritual director that the world expects us to heal from these things in like two weeks, tops.  But in reality, it can last a long, long time.  And it's okay.

Part of me went to bed feeling extremely selfish.  But I also had to allow myself to be mad, angry, upset, as it's a natural part of healing.


Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers.  Eric and I appreciate everything.

////

I can't wait to share pictures of New York, Evie's 18 month post, and pictures from the baby showers!