The Buerglers

Ever since our miscarriage back in April, my relationship with God has changed. During my mourning and grief I kept asking myself, WHY GOD WHY?  I'm healthy, we've had a successful pregnancy, we want this child, and so on. It didn't seem fair. A some point during all this struggle I had taken Evie shopping.  We were at the grocery store just before dinner and she was begging me for a "peezey pouch" (squeeze pouch).  I knew that she might have a melt down if I didn't give it to her, but I also knew we were going home for dinner and I didn't want to ruin her appetite.  As her mother I could see the big picture of the situation. I knew what was best for her despite of her whining and near tantrum. It got me thinking. This is exactly how God works with us.  As the all-knowing Father, he sees the big picture when we cannot.  When we're that kid in the grocery store begging for a snack.  He sometimes says, "Wait. I have something better"...

I can't believe it's June.  Let's talk for a moment.  May is always crazy. My family has coined the phrase "the merry merry month of May"  because in 1988 my grandmother turned 50, both my aunt and uncle graduated from college (in two different states), my aunt got married, and my mother gave birth to my sister.  This is in addition to things like, my pre-school graduation and Mother's Day. This year was the 25th anniversary of the original Merry Merry Month of May.  It did not disappoint. My grandmother turned 75, my sister turned 25, my aunt and uncle celebrated 25 years of marriage...in addition to our trip to NYC , a funeral Mass for our miscarried baby , two baby showers, the worst mother's day , a trip to the cabin and the advent of toddler tandrums.  I was supposed to have two weekends of graduation parties and an ordination Mass and party, but I skipped them. I just had to. In no particular order....our May (courtesy ...

It's been a little over two weeks since we lost our baby . Time flies. Yet, it stands still. Mother's Day hit me like a ton of bricks. See, we lost the baby and four days later went on a four day vacation to New York City.  I returned and spent a day baking for a work baby shower. Had the baby shower. Spent two days baking for another baby shower. Had the baby shower. Sunday, Mother's Day, I woke up in a foul mood. I am 75% sure it was all the wheat and sugar I consumed over the last ten days. And 25% sure it was the grief finally hitting me.  The combination put me in a pissy mood that I could not shake. I ached and ached on the night of the loss, and the morning after at the emergency room, but I quickly jumped back in the game of life and didn't take a moment to look back. Mother's Day was a challenge. I was overwhelmingly sad for all women who have lost a child, cannot conceive or who have had repeated miscarriages. I was angry that I'd s...

It has now been a little over a week since we lost our little Albert.  New York City was a wonderful distraction, but reality is beginning to set in.  I have a follow up appointment with my midwife.  We have the funeral Mass on Wednesday.  I have a baby shower for a friend on Wednesday and one for my sister in law on Saturday. There are so so many emotions, thoughts and prayers running through my head.  I wish I could capture them all, but I often can't express the depth of my heartache.   It's amazing how much it hurts to lose our  blueberry sized child we had never met on the outside.  My prayer is for all the mothers who have ever had to bury a child of any age. For all of us women (and men) who have ever lost a child or had to greatly suffer, this quotation from Adrienne von Speyr's Handmaid of the Lord has reminded me that we say YES to the Lord without hesitating over the future. And that is a beautiful thing. Adrienne von Speyr's...

The Pregnancy. The last week of March I had a feeling.  A feeling that I was pregnant. My friend Rebecca came over for a playdate with her two kids and shared with me that she was expecting. I told her that I was waiting on my period or a positive pregnancy test.  And in her natural joyful self, she text me every day, "Did you get it?" "Test?" until I finally had good news. On Friday, April 5 I couldn't stand it any longer. I was going to wait until my sister's wedding weekend was over, but I just KNEW!  As I drove home from the bridal luncheon I stopped at CVS and picked up a real, easy to read pregnancy test, not the cheapies that come in the multi pack with my ovulation tests (yay NFP!). I only had 45 minutes to change, get Evie ready and make sure Eric was ready before we had to leave for the wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. In that short span I peed on the test and sure enough, positive.  It confirmed what I knew in my heart. I ran i...