The Buerglers

I thought I had escaped it. But a few weeks ago I started having migraines.  And then my heart would start racing.  And sometimes I'd burst into tears for no reason.  Then the deep breathing came.  And in less than a week I was having full blown panic attacks...like pull over on the side of the road and puke panic attacks.  I had even caught myself in a moment of nearly committing self harm. It was back. And it hit like a freight train. Postpartum depression and anxiety is no joke.  I had more of the depression side after I had Evie. I couldn't get out of bed. I cried all the time. I didn't want to leave the house.  I had a few panicky moments, but nothing too scary.  A friend stepped in and told me I was having more than just the Baby Blues, but probably postpartum depression.  I saw my midwife and she put me on medication. I did everything I knew to do after having Maggie to avoid having the depression return.  I made sure to g...

Back in February I wrote about my rational and irrational fears of having a repeat end of pregnancy, labor and delivery, and recovery experience. I wanted to revisit and follow up with how I did and how I am doing. 1. Preeclampsia  Concern: Having preeclampsia again. Outcome: While I did not have full blown preeclampsia I did end up with pregnancy induced hypertension.  I had to have urine tests and be monitored every 3 days for about 2.5 weeks.  At my 38/39 week check up the midwife said it was time to get the baby out.  I was induced again but had a much better experience. 2. Labor & Delivery  Concern: Since Evie was induced, I feared spontaneous labor and making it to the hospital on time.  Also, I was knocked out on Ambien while I delivered Evie, so I feared the pain of being alert and coherent for the birth this time.  Would I be able to do it completely unmedicated? Outcome:   Maggie was induced j ust like Evie . I was ...

Some of you  know that after I had Evie I had terrible post partum depression and anxiety.  I took my medicine for the prescribed 5 months and took the sixth month to ween off of it.  As anyone who truly has depression will tell you, the medicine just helps you get back to life, not be euphoric or on a high all the time.  It certainly did it's job.  I was back to exercising, enjoying work, out and about, and focused on getting things done around the house.  I had even stopped having the horrible nightmares about epic  tragedies. The weening process was rough, and I did it the same time I stopped pumping.  I am still not sure why I did that at the same time. Talk about a horrible chemical / hormonal mess.  It was.  There were some days I was so dizzy I couldn't get out of bed. Anyway, that was three months ago.  Things were fine, or so I thought.   All of the sudden I got on the scale and I had gained about 8 pounds. ...

It's been four months since I've had Evie. One hundred and thirty two days, to be exact. I remember those first few days and weeks to seem never ending.  There was no separation of day or night, just two to three hour cycles of eating and sleeping. I learned the importance of making meals for families during these critical times, and we even had an easy situation.  I thank God for the generosity of family, friends and parishioners for the great meals. After the new-baby scent wore off, and the winter holiday decorations were put away, (What? Why did I even decorate?) our life has settled into a bit of a routine but not without a series of changes from our *old* life.  Or as many people call it "B.C." or Before Children.  Here's a little up date of what life looks like these days... A total blur :) Mental and emotional state -  I am finally feeling more attached to Evie.  It's taken a while for it to sink in that she's mine.  Forever a...