The Lights Will Inspire You*

After a big trip to Ireland last year, Eric and I decided to take a smaller trip this year.  Our friend Rosemary is living in Manhattan these days and offered us her place for the weekend. Best friend meets tour guide plus free place to stay? Yes, please! (Thanks Connie and Pat for helping out too!)

We'd had this trip planned since shortly after Christmas. It proved to be perfect timing, just a few days after the miscarriage. It was nice to get away to something that was already planned, and that we were SO looking forward to.

With a short 4 day trip, we decided to leave Evie at home with the grandparents. Neither of us had been to New York City and we wanted to maximize our time.

The weather was absolutely PERFECT.  It was 65, sunny, with a light breeze.  

Day 1

Landing a few minutes after 9am, we hit the ground running. Rosemary worked from home so she could help us navigate the city. 

We grabbed breakfast with her before Eric and I left for a few tours. After a long architectural tour of Grand Central, Chanin, Pan Am, and Chrysler, we decided, why not? And went to the top of the Empire State Building.  

We had a food truck lunch and walked through the NY Public Library holding hands. 

We had Ditch Plains take out (only in NYC does a chicken and bacon Caesar salad cost $31) and watched about three hours of Food Network.

It was a day that Rom-Coms are made of.

Our sites:

Bagel Talk

Grand Central

Chrysler Building

NY Public Library

Empire State Building

Ditch Plains

Day 2

With such perfect weather, we wanted to maximize out time outside.  With it being Saturday, Rosemary jumped in the fun with us for the whole day. First stop was the Highline, an old elevated train track turned into walking trails. People of all sorts were out enjoying the day.

We had lunch an The Biergarden. Delicious German-meets-trendy-American plates, beers, and giant soft pretzels.

I had seen these FABULOUS pictures of the inside of Macy's.  I desperately wanted to stop and check it out. Um, either I am making up what I thought it looked like or we never found the awesome parts, but it was overwhelmingly crowded and modern. I was SO disappointed.

After a light lunch and a bust of a shopping trip, it was time for a snack.  Using the powers of Foursquare and the Internet we found Melt. A gourmet cookie+ice cream shop. Literally it was a kitchen and a guy on a barstool with an iPad. Our ice cream sandwiches were to die for. And we almost did. Thanks to some GPS errors we ended up walking through a super sketchy extra mile of the city to find this place.

With a big night of feasting ahead, we thought it fitting to start with the Heavenly Feast at Saint Joseph's for Sunday Vigil Mass.

Next stop: Murry's Cheese Shop. The cheese shop was full of dreams come true. I wanted to take the whole store home. I just settled for this shirt that says, "Let's Grow Mold Together" (bahaha).

Next door at Murry's Cheese Bar we had a night cap of gourmet grilled cheese, buffalo fried cheese curds (maybe THIS was heaven on earth?), mac&blue cheese, and some excellent wines and beers paired just for us.

Last, but not least, we took a pit stop through Times Square.  Not because either of us really cared, but because everyone insisted that it's more impressive that you'd think.  Having been to Piccadilly Circus we felt like, meh, we've seen it. But it was worth it, just as everyone promised.

Our Sites

Highline
The Biergarden
Macy's
Melt
St. Josephs
Murray's Cheese Shop
The Blind Tiger
Murray's Cheese Bar

Days 3 and 4 coming soon :)

*Empire State of Mind, Jay-Z and Alicia Keys

Evie: Eighteen Months

Measurements:

Weight: 29-30 lbs (97%)

Length/Height: 33.5 inches (92%)
She's back down on to the charts for height and weight!

Eats: 3 full meals, 1-2 snacks, 12-18oz cow's milk, 10-15oz of water, almost grain-free

Diapers: Size 5, she's outgrown her Rump-a-Rooz brand cloth, but continues to fit in all the rest, having a hard time finding a reusable swim diaper big enough

Clothes: wearing a few 24mos in generous fit bottoms, mostly 2T but buying 3T (and even a few 4Ts in smaller fit)

Sleep: 8pm bed, 6:30-8am wake, one nap 1.5-3hrs long

Firsts/Milestones:

Evie was the flower girl in her aunt Katie / my sister's wedding. This included her first dress fitting and first bridal luncheon.  

In March, Evie had her first hair cut! She did great and looks like such a big girl with her bobbed hair.  

She's really loving interacting with folks.  She regularly gets the family sitting behind us at Mass to laugh at her. And then she laughs at them--- kind of a funny, fake laugh.

Evie can recognize and name people in photographs.  One time she even said, "Evie" but we haven't been able to get her to say it since.

Opens turn nob doors, and closes them. Both on command too!

Will choose a snack from the pantry and bring it to me 

Can finally / safely climb down the stairs

Can climb up on the couch! Or up in to short chairs.  Continues to safely climb down off the bed, couch or chairs.  She doesn't have much interested in general climbing unless she knows it's allowed, like she will climb in her tree house but not on the picnic table. (Whew!)

Is starting to put two-word phrases together, like "Mommy Home" "Nana cookie"

Points to things and "talks" about them.  Follows my finger when I point to something.

Starting to interact with the iPad other than pushing the Home button. Today she FaceTimed Nana...but I'm not sure she knew that's what she was doing.

Recognizes babies and points to them

When I say the word "hot" she softly blows on her food (or in the direction of whatever I tell her is hot, like the oven or the pan)

Recognizes trash and puts it in the trash can, or will happily do it if I ask

Copies things that I do, for example, she will pick up my cell phone say "hello" have a conversation and then say "bye" before she hangs up.  All of this pretend.

She gets confused between talking on speaker phone and Face Time.  She LOVES to talk to Daddy on Google Hangout.  She will point to the computer and ask for Daddy when she wants to call him.

Responds to me telling her NO! And sometimes this leads to a meltdown.

New Words:

"boobies" (blueberries)

"hap-ple" (apple)

"man-ah" usually said with her tongue sticking out at the ah part (banana)

"moore" (more)

"nack" (snack)

"mooth-kies" (smoothies)

"dawg" (dog)

"Zoo-ey"(Zoey)

"Dusssty" (Dusty)

"cook-ie" (cookie)

"Bue's Cue's" (Blue's Clues)

"Beths" (Beth)

"hi-pad" (iPad)

"backpah" (backpack)

"G. Dah" (G. Daddy)

"Nuckle Ma" (Uncle Sam)

"Tiki" (Aunt Katie)

"Zach-A-REE" (Zachary)
"aawwww man" (Aww man)
"ah-men" (Amen)

Likes:
routine
playing "hou-side" (outside)
wearing her  "soc-ks" "shooz" and "a bowwwww" (socks, shoes, hair bow)
drinking "mooth-ies" (Smoothies)

watching "Boos Kues" (Blue's Clues)

Dislikes:
Strangers
having her diaper or clothes changed
when she doesn't get what she wants
being good during the second half of Mass (okay, maybe I added this)
a second nap

Fun things:
Evie signs a few things, mostly just "more" and "all done" but now that she is speaking pretty clearly, she's starting to abandon the sign language

She's really good with dogs.  She talks about Zoey, Dusty and Spike All. The Time.

She's incredible at jumping. She loves to jump on the trampoline at the sitters.

She's super eager to start riding her balance bike. Eric takes her out every week or so to see if her legs are long enough yet. In the meantime, her Cozy Coupe and princess car work great!

Evie is super affectionate and sensitive. She loves to hug, give kisses, blow kisses, snuggle, and sit in my lap.

She spends so much time playing with 3 and 4 year old boys that she's picked up on making little noises like they do --- lasers, flying, trains, everything has a little noise.

She went poopy in the potty twice, but has been a little frustrated with it so I put the potty seat away until she's ready to try again.

Not fun things:
Evie is great at singing songs - she can sing Ave and the Blue's Clues theme song.  Both involve her wiggling her butt as she sings.  She is trying so hard to say "Blue Skadoo We Can Too"  I can't even begin to type out an attempt.

Evie continues to have trouble pooping. It seems to happen when she strays from her grain-free diet or is off her routine for 2+ days. They often go hand in hand.

I discovered she has a lip-tie (I've known it was there since birth, I just didn't know it was a thing). Which I also learned is partially why we were not successful at breastfeeding.  We are going to wait until she's two to discuss options with her doctor or dentist. 

Little Bee has developed her toddler sassy pants.  This includes random tandrums, hitting, spitting, and being defiant. Hooray!

She's down to one nap a day. Maybe once a week she'll nap twice. She usually goes down for 1.5-3 hours. I love the long break! But it's meant bedtime is earlier which means morning comes earlier. Not cool. Not cool.

Watch Evie Grow:  Fifteen Months | Twelve Months | All Monthly Updates

On a rough Mother's Day

It's been a little over two weeks since we lost our baby.

Time flies.


Yet, it stands still.


Mother's Day hit me like a ton of bricks.

See, we lost the baby and four days later went on a four day vacation to New York City.  I returned and spent a day baking for a work baby shower. Had the baby shower. Spent two days baking for another baby shower. Had the baby shower.

Sunday, Mother's Day, I woke up in a foul mood. I am 75% sure it was all the wheat and sugar I consumed over the last ten days. And 25% sure it was the grief finally hitting me.  The combination put me in a pissy mood that I could not shake.

I ached and ached on the night of the loss, and the morning after at the emergency room, but I quickly jumped back in the game of life and didn't take a moment to look back.

Mother's Day was a challenge.

I was overwhelmingly sad for all women who have lost a child, cannot conceive or who have had repeated miscarriages.

I was angry that I'd spent the last week celebrating two women who are about to have babies.  Not at them particularly, but at the situation -- jealous that they will have babies in their arms oh-so-soon.
(My mother graciously reminded me that the tables were turned in both cases but 18 months ago)

But at the heart of it all, it was really just taking the time to process our loss.  I am reminded by my spiritual director that the world expects us to heal from these things in like two weeks, tops.  But in reality, it can last a long, long time.  And it's okay.

Part of me went to bed feeling extremely selfish.  But I also had to allow myself to be mad, angry, upset, as it's a natural part of healing.


Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers.  Eric and I appreciate everything.

////

I can't wait to share pictures of New York, Evie's 18 month post, and pictures from the baby showers!

Mary Knows.

It has now been a little over a week since we lost our little Albert.  New York City was a wonderful distraction, but reality is beginning to set in.  I have a follow up appointment with my midwife.  We have the funeral Mass on Wednesday.  I have a baby shower for a friend on Wednesday and one for my sister in law on Saturday.

There are so so many emotions, thoughts and prayers running through my head.  I wish I could capture them all, but I often can't express the depth of my heartache.   It's amazing how much it hurts to lose our  blueberry sized child we had never met on the outside.  My prayer is for all the mothers who have ever had to bury a child of any age.

For all of us women (and men) who have ever lost a child or had to greatly suffer, this quotation from Adrienne von Speyr's Handmaid of the Lord has reminded me that we say YES to the Lord without hesitating over the future. And that is a beautiful thing.

Adrienne von Speyr's Handmaid of the Lord:

"The Mother already said Yes before she began to pray, and this first prayer was already founded on her Immaculate Conception, which has its origin in the eternity of God. And so she said Yes to the Lord's death as well, when she gave her consent to the conception of the Redeemer. And whoever says Yes to a child consents to that little being's whole future work and fruitfulness, which extends into the unforseeable. And, in the end, both assents are one insofar as they are a unified service. Within this service Mary leaves the whole formation to God. She leaves it to him to make use of her as He wills, in joy and suffering. She does not say Yes in the beginning to a joyous conception and Yes at the end to a fearful death. Her Yes is bound to nothing other than the will of God-not even to any particular situation of her own. It is an indifferent Yes that can be shaped by God into the highest joy as well as the deepest sorrow. She herself will not influence the will of God in anything. She only accepts."


Thank you to my dear friend, Erin, for sharing this with me.  It has united my prayers with Mother Mary in a special way.  I hope that these words help you, too.