On Retiring...

Back in January I spent a long time discerning my vocation -- Do I continue with my current job or find something a little easier to juggle two kids?  Do I quit working all together?  

I wrestled for a long time (I have an entire post on this, I just need to edit it when I'm not so emotional), but finally decided that being a full-time stay-at-home-mom is what I am being called to do.

I gave my notice in mid-February and shortly after gave a firm deadline of April 4th as my last day.  I had a lot of things to do, including find, interview and hire my replacement --- which still hasn't been done --- as well as finish up some tasks that I usually do this time of year.

With the help of my great co-workers we managed to get everything finished and divided out.

I cleaned out my cubicle.

And found this gem - the shirt from the first retreat I did :)

But it still didn't feel real.  I have been working at this parish for nine years!  The kids whose names are on that first retreat shirt are married with kids (one is older than mine!)! One works with my husband!   They are actually older than me when I was their youth minister. 

Monday morning the emotions started to kick in....

But even the Wednesday going away lunch didn't feel real...

It wasn't until I wiped down my desk and found this year-old sticky note that had fallen under my desk phone...

 And I lost it.  I hard core ugly cried at my desk for a full hour.  A few folks stopped by and we reminisced.  But when my mom called to see if we could move our lunch date earlier, I was thankful.

I packed the last few trinkets in my purse, grabbed my framed art off the wall and walked out.  I didn't say goodbye to anyone.  I couldn't.

How do you say goodbye to nine years of friendships, nearly one-third of your life?  You don't.  You walk out the door and mentally wave, "See you soon"

I cried for a good bit while having lunch with my mom.  But then life went on.  I had a doctor's appointment, Eric and I went on a date, and I woke up for a jammy day just like any other Friday.

I don't expect this to really hit me until the church finalizes the hiring of my replacement and all the events I used to be responsible for have started to take place.  I am counting on the arrival of our baby girl to help with the emotional detachment from work, but I do not even know if that will happen.  I think time will be the only way to move on.

And the thing is, people just don't seem to understand why I am being so emotional over this. They're asking "aren't you excited to stay home?"  Well, YES!  YES OF COURSE!  I wouldn't be doing it otherwise.  It's just closing a huge door of my life.  The ministry where I met some incredible teens and their families, I met my husband,  I made and lost friends, something that kept me grounded and faithful, and something that has really truly shaped my life.... how do you just turn on/off a switch and easily say goodbye to that?

You don't.

And I don't care that I've been crying for weeks about it.  It's time to move on, yes, but I need to savor the past a little longer.